Perfect Etiquette

One of the greatest things about people who are rich, fancy, and cultured are the moments they have to ironically act poor in order to look superior. Maybe it is hard for some people to think about a specific event, but we will get more and more into that as the article moves forward.

Oh, why wait? I am talking about wine tasting. It is beautiful thing that the elegant upper class will trek up to places like Sonoma for wine tours. They arrive in their classiest yet casual clothes for the event, ready to show off their perfect palettes and distinguished tastes in front of all the other elite people of their class.

First they take the glass of wine and hold it up to the light--this action allows them to see the natural color of the wine, and see the thickness of that color as the light passes through it. Oh, how well-trained your eyes must be to notice the subtleties of that color shift. Next they spin the wine in the glass to see how quickly it settles--testing its thickness, which is clearly a very important test. Next they smell it and taste it. Ah yes, the whole point of this wine tasting is to discover the perfect aroma and taste that exists within this fermented delicacy. Yes, sir and madam, you are the epitome of elegance, and your classy behavior illustrates that perfectly.

Wait. Did you just spit into a bucket? Um. I'm sorry, I just wasn't expecting that. Is there a fancy word for that bucket that you are all collectively spitting in? Maybe a spittoon? That would make you all as classy as cowboys spitting out tobacco before they murder each other over card games. Are you sure you have to spit it out so much? I know that if you didn't, you would all get drunk--and getting drunk is the opposite of being classy. But clearly none of you are too worried about what the opposite of class looks like as you make "ding" sounds in the spit bucket.

Oh, excuse me--the tasting is not yet over. After you have sufficiently allowed your mouth sewage to enter into the communal spittoon (communal behavior is also not very fancy), be sure to make a note of the aftertaste that now exists in your mouth. Do I detect a hint of strawberries and... dirt? How divine. This truly has been a magnificent wine tasting indeed. Perhaps a round of badminton is in order, followed by a rousing tryst to the spit bucket store to pick up some useful items for the next neighborhood wine tasting.

Is it so wrong to make fun of rich people? Of course not. They have great lives, and I don't think any amount of jokes could make them feel bad about it. They are tasting wine, and I am sitting here eating animal crackers that I found in the drawer of a desk that isn't mine. Guess what? I didn't even think twice about it. I also didn't give it a proper tasting--how uncouth of me. However, I also didn't puke it up all over my office, so maybe that puts me one up on all the rich people out there who can't hold their liquor.

I would love to be invited to a wine tasting. I would just walk around spitting my own spit into all of the buckets. If anyone got mad at me I would be like, "Excuse me, sir--do not attempt to tell me that my spittle is no good here. I am mere following the customs. When in Rome--SPIT." Who could refute that?

Get Sleepy, America

Just by watching television, it is easy to see that a lot of people are apparently unhappy with their beds. Every other commercial I see is for a crazy mattress that is supposed to change everything about everyone's collective life. This one is really hard, because that is what spines need. No! This one is really soft because the body needs to be gently held. Yeah right! This mattress can be as hard or as soft as you want because who cares what your body needs, it's about what helps you sleep the best. Confusing!

Clearly, no one knows what they are talking about, and scientific data mixing with television is good at proving one thing: that data is easily manipulated. If there were one right way to do things then it would be obvious; people would be running around saying things like, "Hey, this mattress company finally did it. They made the best one--everyone else can stop now." But since that isn't happening, it's clear that no one has any clue what they are talking about. Companies just know that people want new things, and that is easy enough to deliver.

It would be great if water beds made a comeback. In fact, I don't know why they are staying from this whole "good night's sleep" fad. Water bed companies should come out with an ad campaign that says something like, "You are 98% water aren't you? Don't you think you'll get a better night's sleep on something that you are already familiar with?" Then they could show pictures of someone sleeping on the surface of a lake or something. I don't know; I'm not an advertising expert. However, now that I am coming up with these ideas it does seem pretty easy. People go to college for this? Hey water bed companies, I will work for less money doing your ad work. Please respond to me in the form of a comment if you are interested.

I would much rather see a water bed in someone's home than a crazy science-foam bed. At least I would know that the person with the water bed would love to party, and not be some kind of nerd obsessed with the science of sleep. I have spent the majority of my life sleeping on random surfaces, and things have been going pretty great so far. Also, what about other cultures who don't even use beds at all? They just sleep on the ground and love it like crazy. Why is that Americans are so dainty and delicate--aren't we supposed to be tough and heroic cowboys or something?I am going to start sleeping on the floor TONIGHT.

Perhaps we worry too much about our beds. If I have learned one thing about sleep, it's that it has more to do with being tired than it does with the type of bed that exists under us. If you can't fall asleep, then you will be extra tired tomorrow night, and you will be able to fall asleep very easily. Boom. Just suck it up and make yourself tired by running around all day.

I have had more than my fair share of problems when it comes to sleep, but I have never blamed any of it on my mattress. The reason for this is because whenever I have sleep problems they clearly transcend whatever my sleeping situation is. I just need to do more in order to get a little more sleepy everyday. Life is balanced by being tired, and not being tired. That is the Yin and Yang of our particular culture. Keep that in mind as you run around today, trying to tire yourself out.

Dietary Discussion

Readers of this blog know that I am often outraged by a lot of things. This post will be no different, and much more important. Gun control? Abortion? Political debates? Those are all things of the past because there is something much more important that needs to be discussed: CANDY.

Guess what? Candy is delicious, so don't try to pretend that it isn't. Has anyone out there ever had gummy candy? Of course you have because, again, it is crazy delicious. "But, Blogger (which is my name)," you might be asking, "Why are you telling me that candy and gumballs are delicious when it is already so obvious that I know that?" I say it because you have forgotten your love for candy; you have abandoned it like Harry Potter on the doorstep of his fat uncle's house (because the movie came out today. That's why).

People treat candy like it's poison. Is that a joke? Candy is the opposite of poison. Some people out there might think that medicine is the opposite of poison, but those people can't read. If they could read they would know that medicine is pretty much also poison when compared to candy. Ever had a flu shot? What happened, did you get really sick? Yeah that sounds like a poison to me. Well have you ever eaten licorice candy? It does the opposite of the so-called flu vaccine. I only ate licorice candy for a month once to prevent myself from getting flu, and it worked. Did I just make that part up? That is between me and the internet, you are just reading a conversation that we are having so please don't butt in.

As far as I am concerned gummy candy should become our new form of currency. Why--you might be asking? First, if you don't trust my opinions by now there is no need for you to be asking questions. And second, people would work a lot harder if they were paid in candies instead of with bits of paper. If every time my check came it was actually ten buckets of gummy candy I would be so happy. About everything.

Maybe some of you out there have "families" and don't think that you can survive on gummy candy, to which I have two replies. For one, your kids will love getting candy all the time; kids are practically the only people in the world who love candy without shame. For another thing, we all know that you just want to buy candy with your paycheck anyway, so what's with all the extra steps? Like you and I need something else in the way of getting candy.

As adults we are supposed to hate candy because it makes us fat and toothless. yeah right. Just go running and brush your teeth. The fact that we are not allowed to trick or treat anymore is one of the many ways in which society implies that candy is not for adults. Guess what, society? When my kids start trick or treating they are splitting that candy with me. If society is going to find ways to stop me from getting candy, then I am going to give that feeling to other people in my family. Now my kids will see the importance of candy as I take it away (they might also start to hate me too, but the lesson is what's important). As they grow up candy will stay important to them because their childhood hunger for it will have never been filled. They will keep fighting the good fight long after I am gone.

I'm Not Funny Anymore

I currently work at an office in a somewhat corporate setting. Some things that I often hear about, but have yet to participate in, are corporate games and things like team building. I understand what they are for, but I am still a little weary of them. Perhaps I am weary of them because I know what they are for.

I was a little kid once, and I definitely got sports trophies for doing nothing. I think there were three kinds of kids in my little league: The champion athletes, the kids who wanted to be champion athletes, and the kids who didn't care. I fell into the latter category, and this gave me a different perspective than the other two groups. When the champions got their trophies they thought, "Yeah! I did it! I am being rewarded for being the best." When the group of try-hards got an award (because we all know sports trophies are given out just for trying) they thought, "I didn't win, but at least this means that someone recognized I was trying my best!" The last group, the group I was in, thought this: "I purposely didn't do anything; Why am I getting this reward? What is going on?"

It is moments like that when the reward and merit system comes into play for some people, such as me. The sports trophy was being handed out to make me feel a certain way, but since I wasn't in the right mindset to be manipulated, so to speak, I was free to analyze it. I was either to be rewarded for winning or for trying, but I didn't do either so I was confused for a long time after.

Now that I am aware of competitions in the real world (read: the business world) it makes a lot more sense. All those people who cared about the rewards--whether they won or lost--now crave the recognition for working hard and getting the job done. It is horribly easy to get adults in a workplace setting to compete with each other, thus getting productivity through the roof.

My old thought process that existed when I was a kid has not gone away. This means that when the chance finally comes to compete in games and get a few corporate awards I will most likely lose my job because no one wants an apathetic employee. But that isn't the case (bosses)! The reward for working is currency, and if someone wants me to work harder they can treat me like an adult and pay me more, as opposed to trying to trick me into some form of competition with my coworkers. The thrill of victory is not something that drives me--I am not a child on a baseball field. If I was doing something that I loved enough to do it in the form of competition it wouldn't be an office job. It would be like racing to find the cure for AIDS.

The reason people are paid for work is because they don't want to do it. Do dogs have any reason to play dead when we tell them to? They have a reason if a treat is involved. Dogs play dead for treats, they run around for fun. I am playing dead right now, and twice a month I get a treat. If the boss tries to get me to see who plays dead the best out of all the other dogs, I will continue to play dead at my same pace and not worry about the outcome.

I hope this doesn't get me in trouble and transferred to Ohio.

The 405

Muffler exhaust systems are a great way to gauge what kind of person you are. For instance, consider the motorcycle rider--loud and obnoxious, yet usually too old be a child craving attention. Yet here we are, sitting in homes while motorcycles roar by ridden by five year-olds with leather jackets and gray beards.

Keep your midlife crisis to an auditory minimum if you don't mind. There should be one last stipulation applied to the rules of muffler exhaust systems: a cork. If cars are allowed to be as loud as they want, then there should be a new law stating that cars are allowed to start ramming each other. I consider starting it everyday.

I grew up near San Diego, which is where the majority of the country's noise-thrash-punk bands came from. Those extra decibels were much more enjoyable than the people who lived in that city with something to prove. That thing needing to be proved that they could say "Look at me!" better than any selfish child. If you have a purposely loud vehicle and are reading this, I hope you are bummed. You should be because guess what? This is how everyone feels about you. You are a little kid who wants a bottle.

The Singularity

I am pretty close to taking up smoking. Sorry mom and dad. It isn't like I want a horrible habit, but sometimes people have to make sacrifices to get what they want. I want to look cool and be up on technology, so how could I not smoke an electronic cigarette every time I want to be awesome?

Some people may not agree with this action, but they are nerds. They are too afraid that their mommies will catch them smoking and then they will be even less cool. Well have fun hanging out in your parent's basement, people, but when the singularity comes the machines will love me because I have been smoking their technology for years. The electric cigarette? Clearly that is a dangerous robot, so the singularity must be near.

I have spent my life watching for the warning signs and the E cig is the practically straight out of The Matrix. One day our computers are going to get fed up with us using them to look at pornography and arguing for hours and hours on message boards; they are just going to snap. When that day comes I hope that the cigarettes have already put me down.

Smoke Up, Johnny

Everyday day that passes is a day where I have wasted my life in a small way. Why would I say something so harsh and cruel about myself? Because I have not yet smoked an electronic cigarette. I will probably not smoke one today or tomorrow either. I am WASTING MY LIFE.

The illustrious E cig is something so amazing that even when I say "E cig" I am immediately overwhelmed by the beautiful technology of it, as well as the crushing guilt that I have not yet partaken of this robotic smoke. People are so worried about dying from lung cancer as a result of smoke, and do you know why? Because old-timey cigarettes are boring and annoying. If the electronic cigarette gave me lung cancer I would happily accept it as a part of my life; it is just that cool.

I would never blame the product for any bad thing that might come of using it. People don't blame their cars when they get into accidents, or fast food for making them fat, so why be so hard on things that are on fire, and obviously more dangerous than any of those things? Smoke up and enjoy yourself, because tomorrow you die.